Decidedly unholy, it’s… a stroll down memory lane.

So for whatever reason I felt compelled to fire up my old LiveJournal and read some old entries. I mean really old entries. I don’t know why, but I started with December 2004 and worked my way back to my first entry; dated February 27, 2002. It doesn’t seem like it should be all that long ago, but it is. 2009 is already winding to a close. In October of 2002 I discovered this person that would have the largest impact on and be one of the most inconsistently consistent people in my life. He was my boyfriend and best friend on and off for six years and 3 months. His name is Mark. (And yes, I still think he’s hotter than the sun.)

For the first time in our tumultuous history, this year has been the longest we have gone without speaking, seeing or in any way, shape, or form of communicating with each other. Some days, it’s easier than others. There are some days when I wake up crying from having down right bizarre dreams about him. (I honestly think I’ve dreamt  about him more in the past 11 months apart from him than I did in our 6 years together.) I don’t miss having a boyfriend. I could give a crap less about that, but I miss my best friend. I miss the inside jokes and having Mark around. Since August it has gotten a lot easier and  I found that I could start to distance myself from the memories. I’m not mourning a ghost of what once was… it just sucks that I got along so well with him, he was my best friend on earth, and my friends here, my friends everywhere… they just aren’t him.

So I tonight took that stroll down memory lane. It spanned from when I was still dating D to when Mark and I lived on the third floor of Winter St. in the dirty burg. It’s laughable how much has changed since then. I have become a little wiser and hardened and aside from being less witty now but being a better speller, I have pretty much remained the same person. I am still the same little spazz I was 7 years ago, but I did a lot of growing up. He morphed into someone completely different, and I see that the catalyst for that was a series of unfortunate events that happened in early July 2002. I am also only human and we had some serious fights that did lasting damage. He became more distant, less warm and less romantic. As the years progressed he grew mean and his paranoia increased. He just became a world-class pretentious curmudgeon who deconstructs the world around him. Keep in mind, I have never spoken ill about him. Ask anyone, I have consistently defended and at times, made excuses for him and his behavior. I think now, I can honestly say I still don’t feel like I am “talking shit” or “throwing him under the bus”. I am just stating my honest observations and I would (and have) said all of this to his face. Don’t get me wrong, I know I am far from perfect and he is an amazing man and has a lot to offer, but he has a very long road of self discovery and healing to wander down before he will ever reach his full potential. The first and largest obstacle he needs to overcome is his stubbornness, followed closely with forgiveness. That man holds a grudge like you’ve never seen. Once he has learned to forgive himself and others then he can truly move forward to find peace and happiness within himself, and that is all I have ever wanted for him, his happiness. I have to thank him for teaching me so much. He might think I didn’t learn anything from him, but he taught me right from wrong. When he didn’t keep in touch, it taught me to be strong. Just in case you ever thought I would, I wouldn’t change him for the world. He was my hero in disguise. 

Looking back on my very early entries about I can see how easily I fell in love with him. I was young, incredibly naive and had the worst boyfriends all through high school. He was amazingly charming, treated me like gold and every moment with him was a gift. The things he would say and do would make even the meanest, most bitter bitch melt. We had so much in common, even though it might have seemed like at the time we had very little. It has now dawned on me just how far apart we drifted over the years, only I was too blind to see it. I was in love with someone who didn’t exist anymore. Every now and then, a glimmer of the person he once was would shine though and I would fall in love with him all over again. I would never give up hope that things would be like the way they were once in the beginning. Love can be a terrible curse. It can make you overlook even the largest flaws in a person’s behavior. I was 20 when we began dating. I am now 27. It all seems like a lifetime ago. As passionate as we loved each other, we fought just a fiercely. I suppose our relationship was like Romeo and Juliet’s, we were never meant to be, which is a total bummer.

I have never had so much fun with one person in my entire life and his absence sticks out like a sore thumb in my life, but it’s for the best. If we had stayed together, he would never grow into the man that he needs to become. I would continue to be an enabler, doing everything for him while putting my own needs and goals on the permanent back burner. I know what I lost, I dont think he’ll ever understand that. I know that what we had, when we were at our best… no one else, on earth, anywhere, will ever top. ever. I have come a long way from being that little, scrawny, geeky spazz. This year alone has been momentous with my own self discovery. I never would have dreamed that I am as strong as I actually am, as well as patient and selfless. I have reached the point of no return. Do I still miss him? You bet! Do I still love him? I will always hold a special place in my heart for him, but it will always come with sadness and a sense of loss. Have I fully moved on? No way. Do I think it’s possible to do so? Not on your life, but I think I have come as far as I ever will. It’s impossible to replace a best friend. I still feel like a big part of my life, a big piece of me, is with him.
I will continue to work on myself as much as I can and will go wherever life takes me. Hopefully, I will find happiness on the journey.

He really did get the best of me. He may be the only one to ever get that close. Who knows… 

I took a gamble with love. I went all in and lost big, but I learned so much from all of it, I almost feel like I broke even… almost. 

I have 1000 reasons to hate, but I think thats bullshit. You dont love someone, more than anything on earth, for any long period of time, then just hate them because of a much shorter shitty period of time… or at least, that never made sense to me. I guess for me, looking back with positivity in my heart helps me move forward with the same.


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